Dazed and Confused... x_x

“Ang gulo ng buhay. Mga tao nag-aaway. Sa mga anung dahilan, yun ang dapat kantiyawan. Walang kwentang mga bagay, mas pinapahalagahan kesa sa buhay. Bakit nagkaganito? Puso't isip ko ay litong-lito. May magagawa pa ba ako? Anu ang maitutulong ko? Sana hindi pa huli ang lahat....”

Why this? I dont know. Right now, all that I want to do..is pour my heart out. Lately, so many things have been bugging my mind (and even my feelings..naks..lol). And reading cool...I mean “really cool” blogs were like my meds for stress and sleepiness. I never thought blog hopping could be that fun. I was able to discover a lot of blogs, most were really “personal” blogs. I was so fascinated with the way they write their posts and pouring their heart out at the same time. There were brutally honest bloggers who dont care whatever other people would say and I was even able to dropped by a blog of a person or blogger who doesnt allow comments.. Cool..hahahaah

And here I go again...Procrastinating. I think that's what I am good at...lol...And maybe... I am also a sloth...waaaaaaaa....Why am I not so motivated?..I cant even uplift myself to the highest level?..What is so wrong with me? Why is it that I really find it hard to be passionate about anything or something and even to somebody or someone I love or need to love? Errrrr!...Tsk! I am soo doomed...pfft!

I want to cry...I want to run and hide...Go somewhere I can find myself. To the place where I can be myself...not to big brother's house dude! C'mon...tsk3! Lately, ang daming bumabagabag sakin...tama ba?...hahaha...trying to use the language that I think I really should be good at. But still, and of course, I am not...lol...hahaaayz....I am not saying na magaling ako mag ingles...Kasi hindi talaga...UU, marunong..pero konti lng at hindi magaling...Compared mo sa mga sosyal, sa mga coniong jologs at sa mga elitistang inborn na talaga...at sa mga gumaling dahil sa pinag-aralan nga nila...hahaha

Ang totoo, just before I made this post..meju masama pa ang pakiramdam ko...naluluha ako na ewan dahil feeling ko may nasaktan ako..eh sa weakness ko pa nmn yun?..yun bang malaman mo na ikaw ang dahilan ng pag suffer ng ibang tao?..waaaaaaaaa...tsk3...ang sama-sama ng pakiramdam ko..feeling ko ako na ang pinakamasamang tao sa mundo para gawin ko yun sa kanya kahit naman may nakikita akong magandang rasun sa ginawa kung iyun...yun nga lng ay hindi ako sure kaya etu ako ngayun at naloloka...mabuti na lang at may mga “senseful” akong kaibigan (Eaves – tenkyu talaga...you're the best..just when I need you the most...at kahit kelan na gusto or need ko ng kausap at kaibigan...you're always there...huhuh...mwaaah!..bading mode ako pacenxa na...lol) na umuntog sa akin at pumukaw sa nabulabug kung damdamin...naks...ang galing ko rin pala mag tagalog...taglish pala...haha

UU na at wala akong tiwala...hindi naman sa wala..meju...konti lang siguro at hindi yun sapat para mapagbigyan kita. Para malaman mo...hindi ito madali lahat sa akin...bka akala mo hindi ako apektado..duh?!...haahaha....sana maintindihan mo kung anu man ang nasa puso ko...ikinalulungkot ko na makitang (uhmmm...malaman lang pala...lol) nagluluksa ka ng dahil sa mga sinabi ko or desisyun ko...pero ganun din ako...yun nga lang...sana ma accept at ma understand mo..na yun ay para din sa ating dalawa...naks...hahaahah...haaaayz

Ewan ko ba..pero I just cant help but doubt...men?...hmmm...not really all...but when it comes to having commitment with men..I am just so cynical at hindi talaga naniniwala..agad or as in fully...toinks....I have seen enough or more than enough lessons to stop me or prevent me from believing that men or some men are worth the trust and everything. I dont want to dwell into these thoughts and emotions. I know somehow, kinakain nila pagkatao ko...at kahit gaano ko pa kinoconsider ang mga bagay2 na dapat kung pakaisipin...kahit paano..naguguluhan pa rin ako...Anu nga ba talaga ang mas dapat sundin pag nakaharap ka na sa sitwasyun wherein you are caught between the fact na merun isang tao or madaming tao (lalake for an instance...para sa babae xempre..lol) na nagmamahal sayo, nararamdaman mo din pero hindi mo maamin dahil nga sa impluwenxa ng ibang tao or pangyayari sa buhay mo? Makakapag-isip ka pa ba ng tama?...nyahahaahaaayz!...God, help me pls.

I think alam ko naman kung anu ang dapat kung gawin...kung anu ang dapat kong isipin at pairalin...Kailangan ko lang na ihanda ang aking sarili sa madami pa na pwedeng mangyari. At kahit hindi ko man malalaman ang kung anu man na posibleng mangyayari, hindi ko man mapigian mag expect...ay gagawin ko na din (no expectations...maybe hope na lng..eheh)...dahil ilang beses na sinalpak sa aking pagmumukha...na sa buhay...you need not to expect...or as much as possible...wag mag expect....dun nanggagaling kasi ang mga napakasakit na failures and depressions...nyeeee..hahaha!...Just go with the flow and enjoy life...(naks..minimotivate ko na ba self ko?..hmmmm...lol)...

I know I am too cautious and protective of myself...sana not to the extent na binabasura na kita and end up wailing na sana hindi ko na ginawa (regrets/regretting, just my another talent...booo...haha). I hope I am not driving off or scaring away those who deserved to be loved and those who could really love me in ways incomparable to those I have chosen to stick with. Bohoo!...ang lupet ng buhay ko!..pero enjoy na din ako....lol...kung walang ganitu?..what's more to live life with?..hahahaha...Sige pa, saktan mo pa ako...akala mo ba hindi ko gusto? (hmmm...masochist?...lol)...Uu na at indifferent ako at times..but this is me..if you cant take that...hell I care...Accept ko naman kung anu ka ahh...I dont need the courtesy of returning the favor....just try to go over what's with the word Respect....lol :P...haha...toinks...kung anu2 na sinasabi ko at tinatype ko pa...pero kahit na...I know...kahit kawawa na tung keyboard ay maiintindihan din nya ako..this is what you're built for...(purpose?..hmmm...anu kaya ang sa akin?...lol)

Gusto ko pa sana idagdag...ang kagaguhan ng isang “kaibigan”..pero wag na lang at baka kung anu pa masabi ko...naiinis ako...at malapit na mapuno..pero salamat na lng at may blog na pagbubuhusan ng sama ng loob...atlis...nababawasan din ang dala2 ko...pffft...lalalalala...hahaahah...etu na lng poh muna at salamat sayo...hahahaha...wala itung kwenta pero anu ba?..blog ko tu...walang pakialamanan...lol